It stings when someone you care so much about is no longer in your life. Right? I am not talking about a lover or ex-boyfriend. I'm talking about someone I have known for so many years, sometimes it felt like an eternity.
A once very good friend of mine has left me stranded. I say stranded because people who are stranded on an island are left wondering how in the hell did I get here and how do I get out? That is how I am feeling. You might ask me "Jill, why do you feel so stranded?" Well good question, audience of one. I feel stranded because I have no clue how the fuck I ended up minus one friend. There's no going back. There's no running back the clock or talking it out or even figuring out what went wrong. I literally woke up one day with them by my side (figuratively, not literally) and by the end of lunch, our friendship was over. Strange, right? Maybe this could've happened in 1996 when you lose friends like you change your underwear, but now? I'm almost 30. I do not feel any need to go through bullshit like Oh you hurt my feelings... blah blah blah.
I feel badly; I do. If I hurt anyone in my life I am sorry. I do not do things on purpose or out of spite. I do not treat people badly. I treat them how I want to be treated. If there is one thing I learned in Kindergarten, it was that life-rule. But I do feel bad. I do not wish anyone harm, not even people who are no longer in my life. I do however wish to know one thing. That one thing is, if I have done wrong, why didn't they have any respect for themselves or me or even our years of friendship, to come to me and either call me out on anything they feel I've done, or even perhaps said anything about it at all. I was blindsided by all of this. Why? Because they felt that the last X amount of times we've hung out, they "left feeling shitty." I have to use quotes because that is the reason I got for them no longer wanting to be my friend. They said I am mean and say hurtful things. Now I ask you, if you were friends with someone and I mean really friends with them, would you not tell them when they piss you off? Especially, if they are so upset by it, they are contemplating ending their two-decades-plus friendship?
I thought so.
So now I am left wondering. Wondering if it was me. Wondering if I could have done something. I'm even wondering if it would've changed things if I didn't say those mean things. The catch is though that I get stuck.... because I don't know what I said! I've played the last times we've "hung out" in my head over and over and not once did I ever say anything to them that could even remotely be misconstrued as hurtful or in the very least intentional. I've never doubted that I am sarcastic or even a bitch when needed. And lately, I have been growing a nice pair of balls when people piss me off but I've never been hurtful toward people that have not done anything TO me to deserve that.
The last few days my wondering has faded. I've realized a few things. I've even been told a few things by the many people I have left. They say don't worry and that it's not worth it and they're probably right. How could it be? So now I realize that the time has obviously come for me to say goodbye to this once-dear friend. Although still confused, I understand that people grow. Some people grow older, some people grow wiser, some people grow tired and some people grow up.
Goodbye friend. I hope the time comes when you grow up and join the rest of us.
